am i a failure?

I am now at the age where I see the people who were once in my life, directly or not, move forward in their lives.

[redacted] just finished her first year of university. Although I was the one to break off our friendship, she seems to have moved on better than I. I wonder if she ever views my own stories whenever I post something or does she now have many other friends to care for? I had broken off our friendship because she had betrayed me beyond anyone’s imagination, even mine. And now it seems that she is the one who managed to throw herself out of the loop she created.

I am not sure why we kept each others contacts. Maybe it was to show each other, mostly her, that life moves on even when you’re heartbroken. And as I write this, maybe it’s time I delete her number and finally move on myself.

Then right after seeing [redacted] video of how her first year went, all the memories she made, immediately after there was [redacted] showing off her new job and boyfriend she has been dating for almost 2 years or was it 3? I don’t remember as it was already hard getting past the boyfriend and new job. And although I knew when they started dating, it never got easy watching them on my phone. This boyfriend, is the same boy that once liked me. I remember the days in class where we would softly talk through our lunch break. It mostly consisted of me teasing him and him smiling back as if everything was happening just the way it should. I mostly remember his eyes. The way they turned into a honey color under the hazy afternoon sun. I liked looking at them. So why did I never give him a chance? And since then, seeing my ex primary best friend, with the guy I never had a reason for not giving a chance, together, made me want to puke. The worst thing about being me is that I remember everything so vividly, just as if it happened yesterday. [redacted] used to be my best friend when we were barely teenagers but acted like grown up’s. She went on to another school and naturally we drifted. But after moving to another school myself, where I meant her now boyfriend, I got in touch with her. And I guess she was now better than me that she didn’t want anything from her past being in her present life. So I secretly watched her stories and wish she would’ve liked me again, as I am now, grown.

Does it make me a bad person that sometimes I think of how it would’ve been if I had given him a chance. Would it have been me posting about us, and with her watching my stories, wishing it were her? Would it have been me with the new job? Mhm…I guess we will never know.

Serious question dear reader: why can’t I seem to keep a best friend. Is it the curse of being a writer?

Last but not least [redacted] from church just got married. Well not just now but she got married. From her side I assume, there’s not much story to tell about our relationship. I’m sure there wasn’t a relationship between us, but for me it’s always something. There’s always a story. Like between me and the old lady I met yesterday in the street. Her and her husband fixing the outside garden. I greeted her and she warmly smiled. To me it felt like she was telling me don’t give up, keep going. But to her I must have been another child forced to greet elderly people in the streets. She probably doesn’t remember me. Well because it might be because she is old? But either way, no one ever remembers. Anyways I digress.

[redacted] and I only saw each other once a week, at church. And each time she was there, we would sit next to each other. All those stolen glances, I so badly wished she would look at me, even by mistake. I always thought, only if I were as cool, maybe then she would’ve wanted to be my friend. But that never happened. Not even when she came back, pregnant and I saw her again, once a week. Not then did she look at me, nor wanted to be my friend. And now [redacted] is married with a little human to take care of in another country. Maybe she did see the glances, and she couldn’t wait to get away from me. So she chose a country she knew I wouldn’t see her and she ran away—from me.

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Marriage, jobs and boyfriends, university and everything in between is someone’s version of success. And all of the people who were in my life seem to have gained their own version, whereas I it might seem like I remained stuck. And as I pondered, like the true writer I am, I tried to find my own successes. It took a while to come up with something. But that didn’t stop me from going back to when I was barely 6 eating lunch alone because no one wanted to be my friend. I sat with younger me and combed through my successes. The recent ones being me writing a novel, without ever going to writing school or university to study creative writing. People do go to university to study creative writing, no? And right now I am surviving on pure faith and belief that everything will work out for me.

Then another success was me starting a Substack, which I worked on for and got an audience at that time. And although now it seems to be failing or stuck, the point is that I made an account and created, which most people never get past.

Another one is making a friend in the summer of ‘24. As life took us apart we stayed in touched. I again vividly remember the first time we met. I was the one who approached her and I am glad I did. And although we have seen each other for almost 2 years, I feel like she is my best friend.

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So my point here is that, each person has their own version of success. Those ex friends, or classmates. The failed relationships and situationship; they all have a life and to them that’s their success. And now yours might now not look like new jobs or marriage or whatever. But it is staying alive long enough to do whatever the hell you’re doing.

So maybe instead of counting others’ successes, maybe start counting yours?

May the sun get rid of your sins